Mr. Goodkat: Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest in Monte Carlo and came in third; that's a story.
Lindsey: What happen to your nose?
Slevin Kelevra: I used it to break some guy's fist.
Lucky number Slevin
Bullet Tooth Tony: You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.
Policeman: So, what you doin here?
Turkish: I'm taking the dog for a walk. What's the problem?
Policeman: What's in the car?
Turkish: Seats and a steering wheel.
Snatch
John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon.
Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.
Grandpa: [to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] How about you come back to my place and I'll show you my man-size canalloni.
Grumpier old man
Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson: Hello, moron.
Grandpa Gustafson: Kids; Can't live with them, can't shoot them.
Grumpy old man